No or Never.

I’ve been struggling this past few weeks. Actually it’s us who’s struggling. I always end up crying at night, over thinking. Don’t know what to do and say. If only there’s a way that would change our situation and will end up this problem,

So here is our story..

I met her (yes, her, you’ll gonna find out why it’s “her” if you’ll continue reading) at an online site where I used to chat whenever I have a problem or I’m too way bored. Usually, it will connect to boys, but there are times that it will connect to girls. And I love that since I’m bored chatting to boys who only knows how to flirt. She is the fourth girl I had chat on that site and probably the last person. I really stop using that site ever since I got to know her. We became friends and later on bestfriends. That time I am committed to someone, so she’s the one who would regularly comfort me and give me pieces of advice. I like the way she comfort me. I may start getting really mad as I rant to her but later on felt relieved. She’s not just a shoulder to cry on, but my greatest fan, my clown, my instant frienemy, my human diary. I got used to her. It’s like every time I need someone to talk to, either I just want to rant or just really want someone to talk to, I would go for her. She makes me laugh. She makes me mad. She makes me happy. A lot. But I’m not just the one who would always rant and take advises from her. She also do to me. She may not tell everything to me, but she will always makes me feel that she badly needed me during those times. But what I love the most about our friendship is that we were comfortable enough with each other. I can be and she can be what we want without judging each other. We accept and love each others flaws.

But there’s something I can’t say that its wrong but its unusual. She’s too attached with me. Maybe because of the fact that she like girls like us. She’s bisexual. She admitted it to me since the very beginning. But when I look into it, its very unusual, and I really don’t know why I enjoy such ting.

First thing in the morning, when we wake up, we will immediately talk to each other nonstop, (eating and taking a nap will only be the pause of the talk) and will continuously chatting till midnight, sometimes until three or four in the morning considering we’re both committed to someone. I think she would rather chat me the whole day than her lesbian girlfriend (sometimes its annoying but I really felt someone important and valuable to her for she gave me time as her bestfriend) and I would rather chat her too. Judge me. But if you only know why I keep on talking to her.. you’ll probably pity me. Moreover, she’s sweet, caring and very thoughtful, to the point that I felt a little awkwardness to the ways she treated me. It’s very unusual since we are both girls. And I do not normally feel something different to girls like me. I mean. I’m straight. I LIKE BOYS. ONLY BOYS!

Until one night, I got the courage to talk about it. I just ask why she’s like that cause its really bothersome for me. I got the chills, wen she said she’s nervous and don’t know what to feel that night after she receive my chat questioning her. She said her heart is beating so fast and she’s about to cry and chatted, “I LIKE YOU. IM FALLING FOR YOU JOYCE.”

I was shocked. SUPER! I don’t even know what to say. But at the end, I rejected her. I push her away telling to get rid of her feelings for me. After all, she did not distance herself to me but rather she became more open to her feelings for me. She really didn’t give up since she already confess.

Until little by little, I fall for her too unexpectedly. It’s my first time to like a girl. But I always deny it to myself. I like her but I don’t want to be us. Then I broke up with my someone for just using me (such a user!). And what happened next? I became her girlfriend. UNitentionally.

Everyday has been a roller coaster ride of emotion. Like any other couples we fight and just a few minutes ago we’re okay again. I think fighting with each other is really part of any relationship. And just for three months of being together, we suffered a lot. I sometimes feel like giving up but what should I do? I promise her to stay no matter what and hard the situation is. And I really just love her. My family didn’t know about us (but I’m planning to confess and settle this after I graduate this year) Unlike her family where they all know about us. And it’s sad that even they know, we’re not still okay with them. I know that’s not easy. But we’re really trying hard to convince them, Months are passing ad we’re getting stronger and the situation is getting harder. We really can’t do what we want to do as a couple. We are not free enough. We make ways, we fight for our love but then again the more we fight the more I feel that er family don’t like me, us.

Just after Christmas last year, unexpectedly the problem got worse. Her oldest sister confront us telling us to stop and think about it. The way she talk to me, feels like I’m not using my brain and it hurts for my side.

That day, I broke up again with her. Even if it hurts. I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s what her sister wants. And I don’t want to make another trouble with her family. I should then leave and walk away.

I love her. But the situation is hard. It’s like her family versus me. Even she don’t want my decision, I must do it. For her own good. For us. I can’t stand being with her everytime considering her family will be mad with her. And I don’t wanna see her hurting. I’m not walking away because I don’t love her. But because I don’t want to see her family taking her away from me. I can’t.I don’t have a choice but to let go and wait until the situation gets better. If I would say NO to her, I know she’ll be okay, and I know soon we will find a way to be back again together. But if we’re going to continue this, I know one day, I will NEVER see her again. Like never.

So now its a No or Never.